Love...
Yeah, I know this is really a simple word that everyone know... that doesn't change its importance... Just think about it... the reason that everyone knows it so well is because of its importance. But what brought it to my mind today is that I was thinking about my Mama... and I just wanted to express my love for her...
Well, I've been feelin' like I really need a change... So... today I'm only having liquids... I might try to do this for a while and kinda get myself cleaned up a bit... I've been okay so far... I could use a break from my usual way of eating... The last time I did this I really was able to shrink my appetite and that is amazingly helpful for losing weight. I hope that this will make me feel better and look better too. Ramadan is coming up and that means that I will be having to find clothes for Eid soon and that is a very scary prospect right now. Last year I was miserable when I couldn't find anything that I liked because 'big' clothes cost more and were only in a few stores... I've gotta get away from using those stores all together, insha'Allah. I really want to be able to shop anywhere I want and find nice clothes... thats my goal :) Okay... off to liquefy my life :)
Yeah, I've been doin' alot of dreamin' today... I actually fell asleep in class... that was really bad! I didn't participate at all in the lecture... I don't think that the teacher noticed though... good for me :)
Well, I did good yesterday with my eating... even when I went out to dinner with my hubby I didn't eat much... I was pretty much starvin' this morning though... but I still didn't overdo it, masha'Allah. I had some grits (that is a real big treat on this side of the world) and I fixed some eggs with cheese and some meat too... but the grits filled me up. That isn't a bad thing in my book... I hope to keep up the good work and see some results soon... I've gotta go now... class is starting... insha'Allah I will post again later :)
Disoriented...
This is pretty much how I live most of my days... gotta work on that huh???
Obsequious...
I like this word... I should try to include it into my normal vocabulary... one of its meanings is to be obedient or dutiful...
Well, things have been going ok lately... I could be doing much better than I have been though. I have still been having the same struggles with my will power. I am pleased that the last few nights I have resisted the urge to nibble at night. I actually kinda trapped myself in my room and forced myself not to even go to the kitchen for something to drink... out of fear of nibbling. I did have some of the 'evil doughnuts' that sprouted up around here due to the sweet craving for the kids... I limited myself to only three... well, truthfully more like five if you include the ones that I grabbed while cooking breakfast the other day... so yeah... five not three :( I've been drinking shakes alot lately and hoping to see some results... the truth of the matter is that I need more exercise at this point... yeah... its finally time for me to just suck it up and get on the bike... blaaaahhhh... oh well, thats the only way I'm gonna get this weight off once and for all... I hope to see some results soon :)
Yes, thats right... I've been battling with the nibbles most of my life and today certainly hasn't been any exception! I am frustrated when I nibble too much! I hate that about myself. I have gotta cut that stuff out. I was just fixing lunch and started nibbling while I was in the kitchen and by the time I sat down to eat with my plate of food I wasn't hungry anymore... crazy me! I wanted to make a shake for lunch, as usual, but my crazy kids had a different idea when they gorged themselves on all of the ice in the freezer.....ahhhhhhhgggghhhhh! So, I ended up nibbling my way into a yucky feeling tummy... ah, when will I ever learn??? Seems like I would know how to handle this by now... guess Im still learning....
Inconsequential...
this a fancy way to say trivial... I like it ;)
I've been doing good, Masha'Allah! I have been drinking my shakes for breakfast and lunch everyday and having a nice dinner each evening. I have been trying to pay attention to my portions and try to manage them. It hasn't been exactly easy... Ive been struggling with a huge urge to snack and mostly with the desire for sweets. Thankfully, we haven't had too many things around to munch on lately. But, Haylah did make a cake that I was pleased that I was able to resist. I allowed myself a tiny( and I actually mean tiny) piece of that. I was pleased because when I decided to have some cake, there was only one slice left. It was a normal sized slice that I would have gladly eaten before. I resisted the maddening urge to indulge and cut a small sliver off and ate that instead of the larger piece. I found that if I add extra ice to my shakes while they are in the blender then it comes out kinda like ice cream and that really help with my extreme sweet tooth :) I have been pretty hungry at times and I have tried to curb it in healthier ways like an apple or maybe just an egg. I will do better though, insha'Allah... I am gonna do this right, insha'Allah! May Allah make it easier on me... ahmeen.
Well, things seem to be a bit better than they were the last time I posted. I have made some changes with my efforts. I am trying harder to resist all things tempting. Im getting there... I really was way off track before and its taking alot out of me to get it back together. Its alot harder this time around. I know its all worth it though and I pray that I will be rewarded for my turmoil over this situation. Insha'Allah I will get there... I pray that someday I will actually be able to say I am where I want to be... that would be a fantastic day, indeed... hmmm, what a dream... insha'Allah it will become a reality!
Ambivalent...
This is to be torn between two different feelings about something or someone... I like this word... its interesting to me... don't know why though. I've heard it used before but today was the first time I actually was interested enough to look it up... interesting.
Well... although my word of the day was encouraging... I feel anything but encouraged today. I believe this is possibly my lowest point since I began this journey. I feel like I've accomplished nothing and that I'm simply failing with everything. Nothing could really explain how I'm feeling right now apart from pathetic and miserable. Ive been doing this for 140 days now only to find that I haven't actually accomplished much. I don't really know when I lost sight of progress... its really too depressing to investigate it. I struggle daily with temptations and have realized that although I once thought I was past being distracted by such things that now I often fall into indulgences. I hate this about myself! I feel like I'm not normal... why is it so hard just to leave food alone??? And to make it just that much worse... I have to look at the faces of others who are undoubtedly thinking I'm fat and not even trying... which brings up another thorn of self deprecation... have I totally lost sight of my goals??? I don't know... but I do know that I need to evaluate my efforts and adjust them accordingly... I just wish I had the ability to see past this feeling... on to something better and brighter... I pray that tomorrow will bring about better feelings... I must persevere beyond this momentary slip from my course. Insha'Allah tomorrow will be better and I will be blessed with a clearer picture of how to salvage this ruined effort and replace its feelings with those of true alacrity...
Alacrity...
Here's a new word that I just discovered... its great!!! I means eagerness or zeal... very nice, masha'Allah.
Contrivance...
This is a word that I just came across which I had to look up... its interesting... it means to plan or scheme... interesting huh???
Things are looking pretty good these days... well... after my horrid moody weekend that is... yeah, I don't really know why but I was really, really, really moody this weekend. I'm not exaggerating either... I was more moody the last few days than I have been in ages... crazy. Well, I'm glad that seems to be behind me now and Im somewhat back to normal :) Yes, my usual bubbly self :) I have been struggling with my shakes lately... due to being out of milk and my hubby forgetting to get it from the store... well, I will do better when I'm able to have it twice a day again... insha'Allah tomorrow :) Well, other than that I am doing pretty good... if you don't count the unendurable sweet craving that seems to be ripping through my willpower with extreme force... yeah... I could always do better... one day at a time... insha'Allah tomorrow will be better :)
I've been doing pretty well with my eating this week. I enjoyed my weekend though and I was happy to get back on track as soon as it was over and done with. I went to a nice place Friday night with my hubby for dinner and we had a lovely evening... as usual when we go out :) Masha'Allah :) Then Saturday he dropped me and my oldest girl off at the mall where we shopped and ate lunch together. It was really nice to have some girl time with her... she is growing into a woman so fast these days... I know that my days with her are numbered... before too long she will be entering into adulthood and getting married and starting her own family... well not too soon but it feels like it will be too soon. Its very nice to be out with her though... she is really interesting to spend time with... no longer like a child, shes maturing alot now.
Well, my burn is still healing and to my chagrin, it actually hurts still :( nothing unbearable though. I don't know when my skin will look normal again... it seems kinda like it may never be the same... I dunno? insha'Allah it will heal and all signs of it will disappear. For now I've gotta keep it bandaged and dry... it will get better soon insha'Allah.
Well, I started my classes online for Arabic and I am busier than ever these days. This is a welcome thing for me. I enjoy myself when I have plenty to keep busy with. I've been focusing on my studies and reading whenever I find a free moment... this is good for me.
I hope to post more often, but, it seems that Im hardly ever on my computer for leisure anymore. Still, Ill make time :) insha'Allah...
