been outa touch...

I can't believe it's actually be an entire month since my last post... I've been not really doing so well with my plan... actually... I'm not sure that any real plan even exist at this point. I've been sick lately so that explains my lack of shakes but even before that... when I was still having at least one shake per day I was still slipping too much... I know that I've been getting more and more depressed about my weight lately... I hope that I can get back on track when I get to feeling better... I've been only able to eat crackers and maybe a few other things for the last few days. I don't like feeling out of control... like I can't stop myself form indulging... I have an addiction to food and I don't know if it will ever cease to be an issue for me... every time I think that I have finally got it beat... usually that is when I mess up the most... must be mental??? I want to keep trying... keep fighting... I just pray that I can find the strength to continue when everything looks so desperately hopeless... I hate it when things cross my mind which only hinder my progress... things like...'can I really do it?' or 'it will never be over'... those are the things I fight to keep away from my mind... they only make it more difficult to find focus... I feel like every part of my life could be improved were I to lose this weight... so why is it so difficult to stay on track... knowing that everything will be better when its finally done? I often wonder at my own sanity... am I crazy... is something really and truly mentally wrong with me that I can't just get this over with once and for all??? Why is food such and issue??? I mean... its JUST FOOD... nothing haraam... or harmful or dangerous... JUST FOOD... why do I have to have a problem with something so silly... When will I grow up and get over this silliness??? Because it must be totally silly to have an addiction to something so silly as FOOD... I truly wish I had some of the answers to these questions... This is me starting over... my counter has been reset... the past... oh so many days have amounted to nothing... I must begin anew... yes... I know that is depressing... just imagine how it must feel to be me right now and have to admit that I totally messed up and haven't accomplished anything... yeah, I'm truly at an all time low I think... Well... I guess that should mean that the only place I have to go is up... right??? I truly do pray that is the case... I don't know how I could get any lower... may Allah protect me from that... ahmeen... Please... if there is anyone that stumbles upon this site and actually reads this... make dua'a for me... I truly need it...